[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Booker, 

Re: Mr Darren Walker (D.O.Β: 05/07/1972) 

Thank you for seeing Mr Walker, a 40-year-old a married smoker man, who is (was/has been) diagnosed with hypertension and has a family history of prostate cancer in his father. He is currently complaining of difficulty in passing water and requires your expert management.

• “smoker man” → smoker / man هر دو اسم را با هم نیارید و فقط یکی استفاده بشه

• avoid informal “passing water.” →”passing urine”

• فشار خون بهتر بود در پاراگراف های آخر بیاد نه در مقدمه که هدف اصلی بررسی prostate cancer هست.

Last month(,) Mr Walker presented to me for a routine check-up. His blood pressure was high (165/90) and his weight was 85(,) which was higher than normal for his height. For controlling (to control/manage) the risk factors of the blood pressure(,) he was advised to reduce his weight and try to stop smoking.

•  higher than normal → above the normal range

• he was advised to lose weight and to stop smoking

• استفاده از “کاما”

In one month review, Mr Walker’s blood pressure is (has) improved (145/80) by reducing his weight and decreasing the number of cigarettes per day (from 20 to 10 per day). Although he has been experiencing difficulty in urinating. His recent test result(s) shows a high PSA (10) associated (with) a digital rectal examination which is suggesting an enlargement of (the) prostate.

• ❌ “In one month review,” → ✅ “At his one-month review,”

• Although → برای ترکیب دو جمله در تضاد استفاده میشود اینجا فقط یک عبارت  وابسته دارید

• Something Associated with something

• عبارت associated with یعنی مرتبط بودن. اینجا شما دو جمله خبری دارید که باید بینشون and بیاد و هیچ کدام در ارتباط یا در نتیجه دیگری نیست.

• ✅ “His recent test results show an elevated PSA level (10 ng/mL), and a digital rectal examination suggests prostate enlargement.”

• Test results: همیشه جمع میاد حتی اگر یک آزمایش باشه

In view of the above, I believe he needs (requires) further assessment such as (including) a prostate biopsy. It would be appreciated if you would inform me about Mr walker’s condition and treatments.

• Need , such as , … are informal words in medical writing

• Treatment is uncountable here

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely, 

Doctor 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

Professional Email Signature

 

@hani-d