[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

21/09/2019

Morevale Community Clinic
10 Arthur Street
Morevale

Dear Ms June Stuart Dietitian, (Stuart,)

Re: Alex Roden (Mr Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951)
DOB : 09/19/1951

• ❌ Dear Ms June Stuart Dietitian → ✅ Dear Ms Stuart,

• فرمت تاریخ تولد اشتباهه — استرالیا DD/MM/YYYY میخواد: 24/09/1951

• Re line نیاز به Mr و DOB هم داره

I am writing to refer Mr. Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widower who has been underwent (undergone) a triple by-pass heart surgery. He requires education regarding dietary (a dietary assessment and practical meal planning guidance).

• ❌ has been underwent → ✅ has undergone

• هدف ارجاع رو دقیق‌تر بنویس — «dietary assessment and meal planning guidance» بهتره

He was admitted at (to) Spirit Hospital on 17/08/2019 due to an angina attact (attack) and underwent triple by-pass surgery, followed by an uneventful recovery. He was discharged on 26/08/2019 on (with) a low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholestrol (cholesterol), and as well as a (and) gluten-free diet, with increased fluid intake. Mr. Roden has a medical history of HTN which he takes (history of hypertension, currently managed with) Atacand 4mg and Cartia 1mg (daily). He has a mild obesity and he’s (mild obesity with a) BMI of 33. He has been a regular smoker for 20 years, however, he gave up the smoking in august (August) 2019 (2016). He was also a heavy drinker and reduced (has reduced) his alcohol intake to the recommended level.

• ❌ admitted at → ✅ admitted to

• ❌ attact → ✅ attack

• ❌ cholestrol → ✅ cholesterol

• ❌ and as well as → ✅ and

• ❌ discharged on a diet → ✅ discharged with a diet

• دوز Cartia توی نوت‌ها مشخص نیست — «1mg» اضافه‌کاریه، فقط «daily» بنویس

• ❌ he’s BMI is → ✅ a BMI of 33

• تاریخ ترک سیگار اشتباهه! کیس‌نوت می‌گه August 2016، نه 2019

• بعد از «20 years» ویرگول بذار، قبل از however هم — جمله مرکب نیاز داره

• ❌ reduced → ✅ has reduced

• تاریخ ترخیص (26/08/2019) و uneventful recovery گم شده — اضافه کن

• increased fluid intake هم جزء رژیم ترخیصه، نباید حذف بشه

Mr. Roden reports that his wife died six months ago (in January 2019) and she did all the cooking and (as she managed all meal preparation,) now he relies on fast and unhealthy foods (takeaway and frozen meals). He predominantly consumes red meat including steak, sausages and lamb, with minimal fruit and vegetable intake. He has gain (gained) 5kg over the past six months.

• «six months ago» اشتباهه — همسرش January 2019 فوت کرده، بنویس «in January 2019»

• ❌ fast and unhealthy foods → ✅ takeaway and frozen meals

• ❌ has gain → ✅ has gained

• جزئیات رژیم فعلی (گوشت قرمز، کمبود میوه و سبزی) برای دیتیشن مهمه — اضافه کن 👍

Mr. Roden states that he desire (desires) to improve his diet, however he does dose not know how to manage it (do so, as he has never cooked). Nevertheless he has agreed to referral to a dietitian. The Heart Foundation’s Healthy Eating brounches (brochures) have been provided.

• ❌ he desire → ✅ he desires (سوم شخص مفرد)

• ❌ dose not → ✅ does not

• ❌ brounches → ✅ brochures

• جمله «agreed to referral to a dietitian» حشوه — این نامه خودش ارجاعه، حذف کن

• «never cooked» رو صریح بگو — این اصل ماجراست

I would be grateful if you could provide a dietary assessment and meal planning guidance for Mr. Roden.

If you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely, (sincerely,)

Alice Raymond
Community Health Nurse
Morevale District Community Health Centre

• ❌ Yours Sincerely → ✅ Yours sincerely, (حرف S کوچیک)

• امضا و عنوان شغلی نداری — توی نامه رسمی پزشکی لازمه

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organisation & Layout: 4/7

• Language: 3/7

C+

Overall score: (330)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

دقت در اطلاعات کیس‌نوت

• تاریخ ترک سیگار اشتباه نوشته شده — August 2016، نه 2019. توی آزمون واقعی این نوع خطا content score رو پایین می‌آره.

• تاریخ دقیق ترخیص (26/08/2019) و uneventful recovery نباید گم بشه.

• دوز داروها رو همونطور که توی نوت هست بنویس — Cartia 1mg توی نوت نیست.

گرامر و ساختار جملات

• ❌ has been underwent → ✅ has undergone

• ❌ he desire → ✅ he desires (سوم شخص مفرد s می‌خواد)

• ❌ has gain → ✅ has gained

• ❌ reduced → ✅ has reduced (وقتی تا الان ادامه داره، present perfect بزن)

• قبل از however در جملات مرکب ویرگول بذار

زبان کلینیکی و رجیستر

• ❌ fast and unhealthy foods → ✅ takeaway and frozen meals

• ❌ history of HTN which he takes → ✅ history of hypertension, managed with Atacand 4mg and Cartia daily

• ❌ education regarding dietary → ✅ dietary assessment and meal planning guidance

فرمت و لِی‌اوت نامه

• فرمت تاریخ تولد DD/MM/YYYY باید باشه: 24/09/1951

• Dear Ms June Stuart Dietitian → Dear Ms Stuart,

• Re line باید Mr و DOB بیمار رو داشته باشه

• امضا و عنوان شغلی زیر Yours sincerely لازمه

غلط‌های املایی

• ❌ attact → ✅ attack

• ❌ cholestrol → ✅ cholesterol

• ❌ brounches → ✅ brochures

• ❌ dose not → ✅ does not

 

 

@user-412066

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director of Nursing, 

Re: Maeve Greenson 

DOB : 09/10/1960 

I am writing to introduce Mrs. Maeve Greenson, a 59-year-old woman who was admitted to our hospital on 24/07/2019 following a fainting course (episode) at home and (was) diagnosed with Cancer of the lower intestine with spread metastasis (metastasis spread) in March 2019. She underwent a Laparotomy Partial bowel resection and colostomy. Mrs. Greenson was also under treated (treatment) with radiation therapy for 6 weeks in April 2019. Her prognosis was between 3-4 months.  

• بخشی که هایلایت شده مربوط به تشخیص سرطان بیمار 4 ماه قبل، ارتباطی با جملات قبل نداره و دلیل اصلی مراجعه صرفا faint بوده، و نباید در مقدمه آورده میشد. باید در ابتدای پاراگراف بعد میومد. همچنین دقت کنید ترکیب جملات مرکب و پیچیده باعث طولانی شدن بخش اول شده و خوانایی رو کم میکنه.

• Her prognosis was estimated to be three to four months. 

During her hospitalisation, her condition has worsened (worsened) with complaints of dehydration, nausea, severe pain, and depression. According  her admission (On admission" / "Upon admission), Iv (IV) fluids and (a) transdermal patch were (was) administered for her pain. She is now rejecting solids and only able to tolerate fluids. Her condition is very weak (She is very weak) and disorientated. Mrs. Greenson is also suffering from incontinence.  

• Condition نمی‌تواند weak باشد؛ این صفت برای بیمار به‌کار می‌رود، نه وضعیت. 

• مخفف باید با حروف بزرگ نوشته شود و fluids به صورت جمع استفاده شود. 

(A) Social worker advised that a decision was arranged to transfer (her) to your service centre. Her brother, Mr. Brian Hewson and (the) patient have made the decision that no further treatment is required only for pain.  (except pain management)

• Arrange a decision اصطلاح درستی نیست؛ تصمیم گرفته می‌شود (made)، نه arranged. و البته این تصمیم با مشورت با برادر بیمار و مددکار بیمار گرفته شده. در نمونه رایتینگ پایین صفحه جمله درست هایلایت شده.

Thank you for your cooperation and support to continue (in continuing) her care. If you required (require) any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.  

• 💡 بعد از support باید از in + -ing استفاده شود، نه to continue. 

Yours Sincerely, 

Registered Nurse 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

📌 تشخیص سرطان و سابقه درمان بهتر بود در پاراگراف دوم (History) آورده می‌شد، نه در مقدمه.

📌 برخی اطلاعات مهم مانند ادم اندام تحتانی، دریافت دوز بالای مسکن‌ها و انتقال با آمبولانس ذکر نشده‌اند.

📌 درخواست نهایی (Closing request) بهتر بود صریح‌تر بیان شود (مانند درخواست ارائه مراقبت‌های مداوم).

📌 ترتیب اطلاعات می‌توانست منطقی‌تر باشد؛ ابتدا معرفی و علت ارجاع، سپس سابقه بیماری، بعد وضعیت فعلی و در پایان برنامه مراقبتی و درخواست از گیرنده.

  C+ Overall score: (300)

 نمونه رایتینگ با نمره A

I am writing to introduce Ms. Maeve Greerson, a 59-year-old widow, who is a known case of end-stage lower intestine cancer. She was admitted to the Royal Spirit Hospital on 24 Jul 2019 due to a collapse at home and requires your ongoing care.

Initially, her cancer was diagnosed in March 2019, for which partial bowel resection and colostomy were performed, as well as 6 weeks of radiation therapy. During hospitalization, her condition deteriorated. She has been experiencing severe pain and edema in her ankles and lower legs, for which she has been receiving high doses of analgesic medications. Her tolerance for solid food has decreased, and currently, she is only able to consume liquids. Therefore, IV fluids were commenced. Her emotional status has decreased. (deteriorated)

Based on several discussions between her brother, Mr. Brian Hewson, and the social worker, there is an agreement to transfer her to your facility via an ambulance. Given her condition, her life expectancy is no more than 3-4 months, and her brother has declined any further treatment except for pain relief medications and maintaining her dignity.

I would appreciate it if you could provide ongoing care for her.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

@user-412066

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear staff Director,

Re: Vamuya Obeki

DOB: 23/05/2014

 

✅ I am writing to request follow-up care for Mr. Vamuya Obeki, a 4-year-old boy who was admitted to the Children’s Emergency Department on 15/05/2018 due to (with) an acute meningoencephalitis as a result of a complication following Mumps. He is due to be discharged today.

• عنوان Mr برای کودک 4 ساله اشتباه نیست ولی غیر معموله.

• نام بیماری ها عموما غیر قابل شمارش هستند

• following complications of mumps 

 

✅ According to his medical history, his parents reported that (According to his parents,) both (of) their children had been administered some kind of vaccination at birth. However, the vaccination records have been lost. They also had no aware of the Mumps vaccine details (status). Vamuya apparently have (has) (now) completely recovered from Mumps and an acute meningoencephalitis.

 

• ❌ had been administered some kind of vaccination✅ had received vaccinations at birth

• ❌ They also had no aware ✅ They were also unaware 

• Also قبل از فعل اصلی و بعد از فعل کمکی میاد. 

 

✅(the) Patient lives with his parents and 2-year-old brother. These family are refugees (The family are refugees) and (who) arrived from Australia this year. They use Dinka and Arabic languages (They speak Dinka and Arabic) . Abdullah, his father, has been attending English class and he is able to understand spoken English, however, he has limited written skills.

 

✅It would be appreciated if you could arrange an interpreter and (a) neurological check-up for (the) patient (,) as well as an advice (and provide advice) on(the)  recommended vaccines for both children.

 

If you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Yours Sincerely

Staff Nurse

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

 

 

@user-412066

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Nursing Director,  

Re : Bronwyn Green  

DOB : 15/03/1950

 

✅ I am writing to request ongoing care for Mrs. Green, a 69-year-old widow who  was admitted to the our rehabilitation ward due to (a) low grade adenocarcinoma  on 18/01/2019 and underwent a hemicolectomy on 20/01/2019.  

• The our ward: our ward / the ward (one determiner only)

• اینجا due to غلط نیست اما معمولا بعدش یک condition یا symptom میاد تا یک بیماری یا تشخیص قطعی. بهتره از with استفاده بشه: with a diagnosis of low-grade adenocarcinoma 

✅ Mrs. Green spent 5 days after surgery in the Intensive Care Unit and (was: passive) transferred  to the rehabilitation ward on 30/02/2019. During her hospitalization, she had  steady and stable progress. Her mobility has increased and she is able to walk  with (a) single–point stick under supervision. Her mood is stable(,) and her appetite  has improved(.) howeve(,) (she) still wears (a) pull–up pad due to occasional incontinence of  urine. Her surgical wound is healing well with minimal exudate.

✅ According  to (Regarding) her medical history, Mrs. Green suffering (suffers) from COPD (,)for which she takes Tiotrium, Fluticasone, and Salmetrol inhalers regularly. Also her  oxygen level is 91% stable so she will require monitoring. Her mood is now  stable however her anxiety requires monitoring (,)for which she takes Oxazepam  15mg and Citaloperam 10 mg as prescribed. 

• ایرادی که به پاراگراف بالا وارد هست اینه که شما با زمینه قبلی پزشکی بیمار شروع کردید و سپس در خط دوم also (همچنین)… که انتظار میره ادامه medical history باشه ولی در واقع requestها و درخواست مراقبت های بعدی رو مطرح کردید. در چنین مواقعی که فقط یک مورد و کوتاه است میتونید خیلی ساید به پایام پاراگراف اضافه کنید که:

• Please note that she suffers from COPD, for which she takes …

Mrs. Green’s discharge plan will be on 11/02/2019 and her sister will escort to home  (escort her home) by taxi. Patient is happy to take (her) own medication at home. The wound  dressing change is required every 3 days for abdominal wound. The  Organisation Transport (occupational therapy!) reports (reported) that home modifications have been completed  with toilet and bathroom rails installed.

• Mrs. Green is scheduled for discharge on 11/02/2019/ He is due to be discharged tomorrow

For further information please do not hesitate to contact me.  

Yours Sincerely,  

Staff Nurse

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 3/7

  B Overall score: (350)

@user-412066

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Stuart,

Re: Mr Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951

✅I am writing to request a dietary assessment and appropriate management advice for Mr Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widower, who is recovering from triple bypass heart surgery.

Mr Roden was admitted in (to) Spirit Hospital  following a (an) angina attack on 17/08/2019. He consequently underwent Triple bypass heart surgery on 18/08/2019 and was discharged after an uneventful recovery on 26/08/2019. After discharge, her (his) diet plan includes (a) low-calorie, high-protein, low cholesterol and gluten free diet. He has been advised to increase fluid intake by (a) community nurse(??), as well. However, he does not know (he is unsure) how to follow this plan.

As his past history, although his BMI is 33, he is not doing any exercise. He was previously a regular smoker and heavy drinker but quit smoking in 2016 and has reduced his alcohol consumption.

•  “As his past history,” → Incorrect phrase → ✅ “Regarding his past medical history,”

• “although” is misused (no real contrast)

Mr Roden has continued (to follow) an unhealthy diet since his wife died. Your assistance is required to support him in implementing an appropriate dietary plan and monitoring his adherence. It would be appreciated if you give him a copy of the Heart Foundation’s Health Eating brochures, and write a referral letter to a dietitian to assist him in this way.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.

Yours sincerely,

Alice Raymond

Rural Community Health Nurs

• این نامه در واقع نامه ارجاع به متخصص تغذیه هست، و تسک شما این هست. شما اینجا به اشتباه به عنوان درخواست مطرحش کردید

• همچنین بروشور رو شما به بیمار داید و مجدد به اشتباه به عنوان درخواست مطرح شده.

• چند مورد مثل: افزایش وزن بیمار (5 کیلو)، اینکه بیمار خودش مشتاق به رژیم تغذیه هست، و اینکه الان قوت قالبش غذای آماده و یخزده و غیره هست… در رایتینگ ذکر نشده.

• از لحاظ زبانی مشکلی وجود ندارد و بیشتر باید روی محتوا، هدف نوشتن نامه و … تمرکز کنید. نمره این رایتینگ به همین دلیل کم شده

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (300)

@Khadi

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear District Nurse, 

Re:Bill O’Riley , DOB:12 January 1960 

✅I am writing to request ongoing care for Mr O’Riley, a 59-year-old single man who was admitted to Spirit Hospital (,)Brisbane on September 2 and underwent a coronary artery bi-pass (bypass) graft surgery(,) following obstructive coronary artery disease. He is due to be discharged tomorrow. 

✅Mr O’Riley has been under our care in the Coronary Care Unit since his surgery on September 4(,) and his recovery has been progressive (promising ) with notable improvements in walking and surgical wound healing. (in his mobility and wound healing)

• واژه progressive بیشتر برای بیماری‌های بدترشونده استفاده می‌شود (progressive disease, progressive deterioration).

✅During hospitalization, a rehabilitation exercise program has been commenced (was commenced/initiated) by a local physiotherapist. However, he is reluctant to cooperate. His medical history is significant for hypertension, which is well managed by metoprolol. He is a heavy smoker and drinker(,) and has been advised to cease smoking and reduce alcohol consumption. Although he has been counseled to follow a low-fat, low-cholesterol diet, he insists on eating frozen and unhealthy meals.✅Nice

✅Following discharge, he is scheduled for a follow-up visit to Dr Jensen, the local GP, on September 15. Given his history of non-compliance, I would appreciate it if you could monitor his adherence to (the/his) exercise and dietary regime (regimen) (,)as well as (the/his) smoking cessation and alcohol consumption. Should you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely,

 Charge Nurse

✨Fantastic✨

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

 

@reyhan

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re:Vamuya Obeki,aged 4 

I am writing to request a follow-up care for Vamuya, a 4-year-old patient who was admitted to Children’s Emergency department with diagnosis of acute meningoencephalitis due to a complication following of mumps 10 days ago.

• no article “a” before “follow-up care”

• Following mumps – remove unnecessary “of”

The patient is the first  child of a family of 4 (,) which includes his parents and an (a) younger brother. They are the refugee (refugees) from Sudan who arrived in Australia this year. Vamuya’s father is able to understand spoken English well ,but his writing ability is limited.Her (his) mother has a basic understanding of spoken English. Therefore,they require an interpreter.

She (he) has fully recovered from mumps and meningoencephalitis,and  is due to be discharged today. Please note,her (his) parents report(ed) that their children’s vaccination(s) is (are) not  up to date. They received just (only) a few routine vaccines at birth whose (,but) record has been lost. The parents have had no  information regarding  Mumps vaccination.

In terms of the above,I would appreciate it if you could schedule a neurological follow-up and  arrange an interpreter as well as provide (providing) advice  for (to) his parents on recommended vaccines. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any  further information. (have question / require information)

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (390)

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Consultant 
Re: Ms Patricia Styles, Age 62 

✅I am writing to refer Ms Styles, a 62-year-old widowed patient, who was discharged from Green Valley Hospital 5 days ago following the diagnosis of pericarditis. 

• ✅a 62-year-old widow

✅One week ago, Ms Styles presented at Green Valley Hospital with fever, pleuritic chest pain, general weakness, malaise, and tachycardia. She was diagnosed with pericarditis following (based on) an echocardiogram. Additionally, she was diagnosed with viral influenza type B by (confirmed by) a throat swab. Her examination revealed inflammation and her Chest X-ray was normal. She was discharged on 25 Aug 2019 after being administered IV saline and Ibuprofen. 

❌According to today’s observations (where? Nurse Home Visit?), Ms Styles is experiencing fatigue, chest pain, shortness of breath, and is frustrated with the progress (slow progress) of (her) recovery. She adheres to her medications and self-care at home. However, she did not reach any improvements regarding possible relapse or complications of pericarditis, her vital signs are normal. 

• ❌ “According to today’s observations” → “On today’s home visit”

• ❌ “However, she did not reach any improvements regarding possible relapse or complications of pericarditis,” → ✅ “However, there has been no improvement, and I suspect a relapse of pericarditis with complications

• پرستار مشکوک به عود/بازگشت پریکاردیت همراه با عوارض است و برای همین شما دارید این نامه رو مینویسید و این خیلی مهم بود که متاسفانه شما به درستی بیانش نکردید. منظور جمله شما این است که هیچ علامت جدیدی مبنی بر عود یا عوارض پیدا نشده، وگیج‌کننده است.

• همچنین اشاره ای نکردید که شما در واقع home visit رفتید و در متن مشخص نیست بیمار الان کجاست.

✅Ms Styles has a history of Hypertension, Diabetes mellitus Type 2, and Depression, which are generally well-managed. She has been prescribed Quinapril oral 40mg/2xday, Metformin oral 500mg/2xday, and Gliclazide oral 30mg daily. 

• این داروها رو از قبل میگرفته و بهتره از فعل take استفاده کنیم تا بگیم تجویز شده.

Please arrange an urgent hospital transfer to Newtown Hospital for Ms Styles and provide urgent assessment and management regarding (for) pericarditis. 

• ❌ “urgent hospital transfer” → ✅ “urgent transfer to NewTown Hospital”

Yours sincerely 

Nurse

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (330)

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director

Re:Ms Bronwyn Green,aged 68

✅I am writing to refer this patient, a 68-year-old widow who was admitted three weeks ago with (a) diagnosis of  low-grade adenocarcinoma.

❌She underwent a right-side hemicolectomy on 20/01/2019. Post-surgery care was provided in the ICU. Due to (following) a five-hour anaesthesia, she sustained (developed) respiratory and metabolic acidosis. During hospitalization in this ward, she was on oxygen therapy with oxygen saturation of 98%. Due to experiencing short (shortness) of breath during mobility, she was required to assist with the walking. After five days,Ms Green was transformed (transferred)  to the rehabilitation ward for ongoing care, and  has been in this ward until today. Over this period,her condition has been promising. Her dependency to (on) oxygen therapy has decreased. The wound-healing process has been  satisfactory. Currently, the patient’s mood and appetite is (are) good. Her mobility has made a steady progress, and she requires using a single point stick .Due to urinary incontinence, she is required to wear a  pull up pad.

• Sustain:  یعنی “تحمل کردن” یا “حفظ کردن”

• ببینید رایتینگ شما 260 کلمه است که بیشتر از حد معموله… که نشون میده اطلاعاتی در متن اومده که اضافی است. این اطلاعات رو بنده با رنگ قرمز هایلایت کردم. دقت کنید که هدف نامه اینه که پرستار بعدی بدونه باید برای بیمار چیکار کنه. و مواردی مثل آنچه در بخش icu گذشت اهمیتی ندارد و نباید در نامه آورده میشدند.

• ❌ “she was required to assist with the walking.” → ✅ “she required assistance with walking.”

• ❌ Depend to → ✅ depend on

• ❌ “a steady progress,” → ✅ “steady progress,” (remove article “a”).

• ❌ “and she requires using a single point stick.” → ✅ “however she requires the use of a single-point stick.”

✅Regarding her medical and social history, she has been suffering from hypertension, COPD, anxiety and depression, for which takes several medications. The patient has a history of smoking although she has  stopped that recently.

She is due to be discharged tomorrow. Please note, wound-dressing (wound dressing) must be changed every three days. Her anxiety and oxygen therapy need to be monitored. The patient is able to  be self-medicate. At the time of discharge, Ms Green will be accompanied by her sister.

I would appreciate it if you could take over this patient’s care. Please do not hesitate (to contact me?) if you have any further questions.

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (350)

 

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Ponsford

Re: Mr Lionel Ramamurthy, Aged 63

✅I am writing regarding Mr Ramamurthy, who was admitted on 04 February 2019 with a diagnosis of Pneumonia, and he will return to your care upon his discharge tomorrow.

• ❌ “Pneumonia” → ✅ “pneumonia”

✅Mr Ramamurthy was presented (presented:active) with acute dyspnoea associated with wheezing, fever, and sleeplessness. He reported chest and abdominal pain following a persistent cough. He also felt weak and required a walking frame for his daily activities.

• ❌ “felt weak” → ✅ “experienced weakness” more formal

✅After a week of hospitalization, Mr Ramamurthy has made good progress overall. His inflammatory markers (have returned) returned to normal. He is now afebrile and able to perform his personal hygiene and (daily) activities more independently. He has been encouraged to ambulate regularly and perform breathing and coughing exercises to relieve his signs of dry cough and chest pain.

✅Kindly administer Paracetamol for Mr Ramamurthy’s chest and abdominal pain, if needed (required). Please keep him warm and continue monitoring his diet to maintain a good nutritional status by taking adequate fluids and healthy foods, (and) to help him gain weight. Additionally, ensure that his postural drainage is performed while sitting, rather than lying down. Kindly arrange a check-up for his poor eyesight regarding a cataract operation 16 months ago.

Rephrased: Kindly arrange an eyesight check-up, as he continues to experience poor eyesight following cataract surgery 16 months ago

Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further queries.

Yours Sincerely,

Charge Nurse

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout: 6/7

• Language 5/7

  B Overall score: (420)

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Sir Hudson

Re:Alice Cooper,aged 10

I am writing to refer this patient, a 5 year student in (at) our school due to (the) possibility of psychological disorders following her father’s death.

• ❌ “5 year student” → ✅ “year 5 student”

Her father died due to an (a) motor accident 6 months ago. She is a (the) second child in  a family of three. Her sister is aged 12 and brother is aged 7.Her mother works as a bank manager.Alice has been experiencing eczema on  both her hands and she has had asthma,for which takes (uses) a  Ventolin inhaler. Her weight is above the normal limit (40 kg for a height of 138cm).

• قسمت هایلایت شده در متن اضافیست و نباید در این نامه آورده میشد.

• ❌ “eczema on both her hands” → ✅ “eczema on both hands”

• جمله ای که زیرش خط کشیده شده باید به زمان حال ساده بیاد چون شرح اکنون بیمار هست:

• Alice experiences eczema on both hands and has asthma.

Since missing her father, she has had a history of frequent absence from school .She has been experiencing intermittent signs and symptoms including eczema , headaches, stomachaches, toothaches  and nausea.

• ❌ “Since missing her father” → ✅ “Since the loss of her father”

• ✅ She has often been absent from school.👉 او اغلب از مدرسه غایب بوده است.

• جمله بالا ساده و واضح است. در جمله شما a history of جایگاهی نداره: بیمار یک سابقه غیبت از مدرسه داشته بوده است

• ❌ “signs and symptoms” → ✅ “symptoms”

  • 🔹 Signs (علائم بالینی) چیزهایی هستند که پزشک یا پرستار مشاهده می‌کند، نه بیمار. و همچنین مواردی که هست واقعا تجربیات بیمار نبوده و در واقع به اون دلایل از مدرسه غایب می شده (که اغلب بهانه بوده). پیشنهاد من:

• Since the loss of her father, she has had frequent absences from school. These absences have often been associated with complaints such as eczema, headaches, stomachaches, toothaches, and nausea.

Alice’s performance was good before her father’s death. Currently,she has a poor concentration in the class, and is reluctant with sports activities. She has few friends. Despite taking (using) an ointment on her hands,eczema hasn’t improved. Therefore, eczema and being overweight have caused her embarrassment and decreased her self-steem.

• ❌ “a poor concentration” → ✅ “poor concentration” (no article)

• فعل take معمولا برای داروی خوراکی هست. برای پماد، کرم، اسپری آسم و … از use استفاده کنید.

• ❌ “self-steem” → ✅ “self-esteem” (spelling correction)

Please note,her mother reports (that) Alice was very close to her father. She (who: mother or Alice?) is overeating no nutritional value food  like chips and cakes.she (who: mother or Alice?) is anxious regarding her daughter’s condition.

• ✅ “She is overeating foods with little nutritional value”

• ❌ “like chips and cakes” → ✅ “such as chips and cakes”: More formal

In view of the above, I believe that her signs and symptoms (are) suggestive of psychological disorders. I would appreciate (it) if you could assess her condition. please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Yours Sincerely

Nurse Nahid Soltani

Word count: 260

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout: 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

@user-231873

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Ponsford

Re:  Mr Lionel Ramamurthy, Aged 63 

I am writing regarding Mr Ramamurthy, a 63-year-old widower who was admitted to our hospital on 04 February with a diagnosis of Pneumonia, and he will be back at (will return to) your retirement home upon his discharge tomorrow.

• ❌ “Pneumonia” → ✅ “pneumonia”

 Mr. Ramamurthy was admitted with acute shortness of breath associated with inspiratory and expiratory wheezing, fever, sleeplessness, and generalized aches. He reported chest and abdominal pain following a persistent cough and sleeplessness. He also felt weak and required a frame for his daily activities, experiencing increasing shortness of breath on exertion.

In terms of Mr Ramamurthy’s social and medical history, he experienced weight loss, associated with a poor diet due to his wife’s death. He was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes on 2007, which was controlled by diet, and Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease on 2018. He also suffers from  Osteoarthritis, which takes Voltaren.

• کل این پاراگراف باید حذف شود چرا که خانه سالمندان بیمار از این موارد آگاهی دارد.

During hospitalization, Mr Ramamurthy has made good progress overall. His fever and inflammatory markers returned to normal, and he was able to perform his personal hygiene and activities independently. He has been encouraged to take oral fluids and proper nutrition by a dietitian, which helped him gain weight, (نقطه) and he has also been encouraged to do breathing and coughing exercises due to his signs of dry cough and chest pain.

• ❌ “returned to normal” → ✅ “have returned to normal”

• ❌ “he was able” → ✅ “he is now able to…” وضعیت کنونی بیمار

• ✅ “encouraged by a dietitian to take oral fluids and maintain proper nutrition”ترتیب عبارات

• ❌ “which helped him gain weight” → ✅ “to help him gain weight” که کمک کنه وزن اضافه کنه

• ❌ “due to his signs of dry cough and chest pain” → ✅ “to relieve his dry cough and chest pain”

• عبارت due to یعنی در نتیجه چیزی و اینجا معنای درستی نمیده…

• جمله آخر از he has been encouraged شروع میشه تا پایان پاراگراف شامل 6 عبارت هست. نقطه بگذارید و مدام از and استفاده نکنید.

It would be appreciated to provide Paracetamol for Mr Ramamurthy when having chest or abdominal pain. Please keep him warm and monitor him to stay in a good nutritious condition by taking high fluids and healthy foods. In addition, to ensure his postural drainage, sitting is preferred rather than lying down. Kindly provide a check-up for his weak eyesight due to a cataract operation 16 months ago.

• ❌ “It would be appreciated to provide  Paracetamol” → ✅ “Kindly administer paracetamol” خلاصه و مفید

• ❌ “when having chest or abdominal pain” → ✅ “when he experiences chest or abdominal pain” فاعل در جمله شما گنگ است

• ❌ “to stay in a good nutritious condition” → ✅ “to ensure he maintains good nutritional status”

• ❌ “taking high fluids” → ✅ “taking adequate fluids”

• ❌ “provide a check-up for his weak eyesight due to a cataract operation” → ✅ “arrange a check-up for his poor eyesight following his cataract operation”

Please do not hesitate to contact me for any further queries.

Yours Sincerely

Charge Nurse

Word Count: 270: موارد هایلایت شده اضافی بود. و دقت کنید همچنین به دلیل اهمیت پایین اگر هم نیاز به نوشتن پاراگراف دوم بود باید آن را در آخر رایتینگ می آوردید.

• افعالی که باید یاد بگیرید استفاده کنید: maintain و relieve و ensure و arrange

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 4/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

@mahsa-hamzei

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Mrs. Marureen Martinson,

Re Mr.Kenneth  Phillips ,DOB ;05/05/1973

I am writing to request ongoing care this patient Mr. Phillips, a 46-year old builder, who was admitted to spirit hospital for underwent a bilateral lung transplant on 10/01/2019. 

• ❌ “ongoing care this patient” → ✅ “ongoing care for this patient/ ongoing care for Mr. Philips”

• ❌ “46-year old” → ✅ “46-year-old”

• ❌ “spirit hospital” → ✅ “Spirit Hospital”

• ❌ “for underwent” → ✅ “and underwent” یا “admitted for a bilateral…”

Mr. Phillips spent in ICU 10 days and transferred (was transferred) to (the) Thoracic ward under our care for three weeks. He has made good progress. He needs (requires) less oxygen and support, and now he is happy not to use the oxygen. At discharge, (the) patient is independent with (in) his hygiene and supervision (with minimal supervision) . He is on a low listeria diet and thin fluids. His appetite increased. (has increased)

• ❌ “spent in ICU 10 days” → ✅ “spent 10 days in the ICU”

• Capitalize hospital units. → ✅ “the Thoracic Ward”

• در جمله هایلایت شده گفتید بیمار در بخش thoracic تحت مراقبت شما بوده ک اشتباه هست و بیمار بعد از اون در بخش توانبخشی بستری شه و شما پرستار آن بخش هستید.

• بیمار هم اکنون به اکسیژن نیاز ندارد. در بالا یک بار اومده که به اکسیژن کمی نیاز دارد (زمان حال استفاده شده) و دقیقا جمله بعدی گفته نداره!

Regarding his medical history, Mr. Phillips has had an interstitial lung disease since 2012 which is taking a variety of medication. For full details, see the attached medication chart. 

• ❌ “an interstitial lung disease” → ✅ “interstitial lung disease” No article needed for diseases

• ❌ “which is taking a variety of medication” → ✅ “and has been taking a variety of medications” با توجه به since 2012

Mr. Phillips lives alone(,) but her (his) sister lives in the same area and supports him. He is on self-medication but requires supervision.A wound dressing is required every third day for a pressure ulcer on his coccyx and his oxygen use needs to be monitored.

If you require any further information, please do not to hesitate to contact me.

Yours   Sincerely,

Registered Nurse

سلام و درود
به نسبت رایتینگ قبلی از لحاظ محتوا و هدف گذاری بهتر بود کاملا. این که نمره content کم شده  به خاطر این بود که مثلا گفتید چند وقت توی icu بوده ولی نگفتید چقدر بخش thoracic بوده و بعد اون بخش rehab فراموش شده. همچنین نیاز به اکسیژن… این موارد با دقت و برنامه ریزی روی تسک قبل از شروع به نوشتن بهبود پیدا میکنه. اما……

بخش زبانی که نمره language و clarity (ساختار های درست جمله که معنا رو به درستی انتقال بدهند) نیاز به مطالعه زبان (حداقل چندین ماه) دارد. میتوان متصور شده که در اسپیکینگ هم احتمالا همین بخش زبانی نیاز به بهبود داره. بنابراین این توصیه بنده این هست که در کنار تمرینات OET، همزمان زبان عمومی به خصوص گرامر خود را تقویت کنید. دروس “کلینیک گرامر و لغات” در بخش دوره های من، را با دقت بیشتر و تحلیل و تمرین مجدد انجام دهید.
به امید موفقیت شما.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (320)

 

@9132180654

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear dietitian, 

Re: Ms Nina Sharman DOB: 09.02.1959 

I am writing to request your urgent assessment of Ms Nina Sharman’s circumstance (condition). Ms Sharman is a 61-year-old single patient who was admitted to the Dementia Specific Unit at Spirit Hospital due to severe dementia on 15.02.2020 following her condition , she refuses to wear her denture(s) and has been at risk of aspiration. 

• ❌ “circumstance” → ✅ “condition”

• در مورد جمله هایلایت شده: بیمار در بخش دیمنشیا این مرکز سالمندان زندگی میکنه و شما پرستار اون مرکز هستید. پس این جمله در مقدمه با تسک مغایرت داره. شما در واقع این نامه رو دارید مینویسید به متخصص تغذیه بیمارستان spirit و بیمار اصلا بستری نشده. همین نمره زیادی از رایتینگ شما کم میکنه.

During her hospitalization , she experienced an episode of choking on a piece of food that was likely not properly chewed . She suddenly turned blue and grabbed her throat with both hands and began coughing . Ultimately the obstructing food was removed and her vital signs returned to the normal range within one hour. 

• جمله هایلایت شده اضافی است و نباید آورده شود. دقت کنید رایتینگ OET خلاصه شرح بیمار است و نه آنچه گذشت…. تعداد کلمات رایتینگ شما 290 کلمه است که باید 180-200 تا باشد.

In terms of her medical history , Ms Sharman has been managing type 2 diabetes mellitus through diet . She also has been diagnosed with ischemic heart disease and osteoarthritis. Additionally she has been suffering from constipation for which she takes laxative as needed. Over the last 5 months , following her insatiable appetite , she has had a weight gain of approximately 10 kg.please note that her BMI is above the normal range indicating she is over weight.(BMI:30 Wt:106 kg) 

• ❌ “She also has been diagnosed” → ✅ “She has also been diagnosed”

• ❌ “laxative” → ✅ “laxatives” >> Plural form is standard.

Regarding of her current medication regime, she has been taking multiple medications. A detailed list of them is provided in the attached chart. She has no known allergies to medication or food. In terms of her social history , she has lost interest in daily activities . Her emotional dependence on the nursing staff has noticeably increased . (اضافی)

• ❌ “Regarding of” → ✅ “Regarding”

In view of the above , I would appreciate it if you could conduct a comprehensive assessment of her swallowing function and nutritional status to help improve her condition. 

Should you require further information, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely 

Registered nurse

عرض کنم خدمتتون که شما از نظر زبان مشکلی ندارید و ساختارهای زبانی تا حد زیادی رعایت شده؛ که همین خودش بخش عمده کار و بسیار ارزشمند هست. با این حال، در همین رایتینگ مشخص می‌شه که بعضی موارد نیاز به مرور دارن.

برای مثال، هدف‌گذاری در رایتینگ بسیار مهمه. هدف این نامه ارجاع بیمار به متخصص تغذیه بوده، چون بیمار دیمنشیا داره و confused disorientated هست؛ اما این نکته در متن ذکر نشده که بسیار ضروری بود. در مقابل، پرداختن به social history یا شرح جزئی اتفاقی که برای بیمار افتاده، عملاً به کار متخصص تغذیه نمیاد و کمکی به هدف نامه نمی‌کنه.

🔹 پیشنهادها:

1. یک روز رو فقط به مرور ویدیوهای کورس رایتینگ اختصاص بدید.

2. سمینار «هدف‌گذاری در رایتینگ» رو در بخش سمینارهای سایت حتماً ببینید.

3. نمونه رایتینگ‌های تصحیح‌شده سایت رو بررسی کنید تا نکات عملی بیشتری دستتون بیاد.

Word Count: 290

• Purpose: 1/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 5/7

  C Overall score: (290)

 

@989229013707

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Emergency Department Consultant on Duty.

 Newton Hospital

100 Main Street

Newton

30 August 2019

Dear Consultant

Re: MS Patricia Styles, DOB: 27 April 1957.

I am writing to request your urgent assessment and management for Ms Styles, a 62-year-old widow who is transferred to Newtons Hospital due to possible relapsing (relapse) of pericarditis. She was admitted to Green Valley Hospital following pleuritic chest pain, malaise and tachycardia a week ago.

• ببینید شما دارید بیمار رو ارجاع میدید به بیمارستان Newtons بنابراین جمله هایلایت شده در متن باید حذف بشه چون این معنا را القا میکنه که بیمار هم اکنون داره پذیش میشه یا شده. اسم بیمارستان فقط در بخش آدرس نامه کافی هست. پیشنهاد جایگزین:

I am writing to request your urgent assessment and management of Ms Styles, a 62-year-old widow, due to a possible relapse of pericarditis. She was admitted to Green Valley Hospital one week ago with pleuritic chest pain, malaise, and tachycardia.

• ❌ “following pleuritic chest pain … a week ago” → ✅ “admitted … one week ago with pleuritic chest pain”

• عبارت دلیل باید اخر بیاد تا جمله خوانا تر بشه. همچنین بهتر بود این جمله در شروع پاراگراف بعدی بیاد. که مثلا " بیمار هفته پیش بستری شد، با این علائم و نتایج آزمایشات… ادامه در زیر"

The test results revealed she had pericarditis and viral influenza. She was discharged and the self-care of home was advised. On today’s home visits (visit), she is (was) suffering from (patient reported) chest pain, which alleviated with sitting position, and shortness of breath along with fatigue.

• ❌ “the self-care of home was advised” → ✅ “home self-care was advised”

• ❌ “which alleviated with sitting position” → ✅ “which was alleviated by sitting upright”

Her vital signs showed a mild fever (T: 31.8°C), a tachycardia and a tachypnea as well as (نقطه) her blood pressure was 125/78, which was lower than usual (BP: 140/90). Regarding her medical history, she has been experiencing (has) hypertension, diabetes mellitus.

• ❌ “a tachycardia and a tachypnea” → ✅ “tachycardia and tachypnea”

• ❌ “as well as her blood pressure was …” → ✅ “Her blood pressure was …”

• ❌ “she has been experiencing hypertension, diabetes mellitus” → ✅ “she has hypertension and diabetes mellitus”

• وقتی میخوای اشاره کنی فرد چه بیماری هایی از دارد از زمان حال ساده استفاده کن.

She takes Accupril, Diabex and Gliclazide respectively (نقطه)for more detail, please see the affected (attached) medical chart. She has also been suffering from depression since 2016. She is a non-smoker and drinks 1-2 glasses (of) wine per week. She has been compliant with her medication and monitoring of her blood glucose.

• زمانی respectively استفاده کنید که مثلا چند دارو رو میارید و بعدش دوز های دارو به ترتیب آورده میشه

If you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours faithfully

Nurse

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

  C Overall score: (300)

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