[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

21/09/2019

Morevale Community Clinic
10 Arthur Street
Morevale

Dear Ms June Stuart Dietitian, (Stuart,)

Re: Alex Roden (Mr Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951)
DOB : 09/19/1951

• ❌ Dear Ms June Stuart Dietitian → ✅ Dear Ms Stuart,

• فرمت تاریخ تولد اشتباهه — استرالیا DD/MM/YYYY میخواد: 24/09/1951

• Re line نیاز به Mr و DOB هم داره

I am writing to refer Mr. Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widower who has been underwent (undergone) a triple by-pass heart surgery. He requires education regarding dietary (a dietary assessment and practical meal planning guidance).

• ❌ has been underwent → ✅ has undergone

• هدف ارجاع رو دقیق‌تر بنویس — «dietary assessment and meal planning guidance» بهتره

He was admitted at (to) Spirit Hospital on 17/08/2019 due to an angina attact (attack) and underwent triple by-pass surgery, followed by an uneventful recovery. He was discharged on 26/08/2019 on (with) a low-calorie, high-protein, low-cholestrol (cholesterol), and as well as a (and) gluten-free diet, with increased fluid intake. Mr. Roden has a medical history of HTN which he takes (history of hypertension, currently managed with) Atacand 4mg and Cartia 1mg (daily). He has a mild obesity and he’s (mild obesity with a) BMI of 33. He has been a regular smoker for 20 years, however, he gave up the smoking in august (August) 2019 (2016). He was also a heavy drinker and reduced (has reduced) his alcohol intake to the recommended level.

• ❌ admitted at → ✅ admitted to

• ❌ attact → ✅ attack

• ❌ cholestrol → ✅ cholesterol

• ❌ and as well as → ✅ and

• ❌ discharged on a diet → ✅ discharged with a diet

• دوز Cartia توی نوت‌ها مشخص نیست — «1mg» اضافه‌کاریه، فقط «daily» بنویس

• ❌ he’s BMI is → ✅ a BMI of 33

• تاریخ ترک سیگار اشتباهه! کیس‌نوت می‌گه August 2016، نه 2019

• بعد از «20 years» ویرگول بذار، قبل از however هم — جمله مرکب نیاز داره

• ❌ reduced → ✅ has reduced

• تاریخ ترخیص (26/08/2019) و uneventful recovery گم شده — اضافه کن

• increased fluid intake هم جزء رژیم ترخیصه، نباید حذف بشه

Mr. Roden reports that his wife died six months ago (in January 2019) and she did all the cooking and (as she managed all meal preparation,) now he relies on fast and unhealthy foods (takeaway and frozen meals). He predominantly consumes red meat including steak, sausages and lamb, with minimal fruit and vegetable intake. He has gain (gained) 5kg over the past six months.

• «six months ago» اشتباهه — همسرش January 2019 فوت کرده، بنویس «in January 2019»

• ❌ fast and unhealthy foods → ✅ takeaway and frozen meals

• ❌ has gain → ✅ has gained

• جزئیات رژیم فعلی (گوشت قرمز، کمبود میوه و سبزی) برای دیتیشن مهمه — اضافه کن 👍

Mr. Roden states that he desire (desires) to improve his diet, however he does dose not know how to manage it (do so, as he has never cooked). Nevertheless he has agreed to referral to a dietitian. The Heart Foundation’s Healthy Eating brounches (brochures) have been provided.

• ❌ he desire → ✅ he desires (سوم شخص مفرد)

• ❌ dose not → ✅ does not

• ❌ brounches → ✅ brochures

• جمله «agreed to referral to a dietitian» حشوه — این نامه خودش ارجاعه، حذف کن

• «never cooked» رو صریح بگو — این اصل ماجراست

I would be grateful if you could provide a dietary assessment and meal planning guidance for Mr. Roden.

If you require any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours Sincerely, (sincerely,)

Alice Raymond
Community Health Nurse
Morevale District Community Health Centre

• ❌ Yours Sincerely → ✅ Yours sincerely, (حرف S کوچیک)

• امضا و عنوان شغلی نداری — توی نامه رسمی پزشکی لازمه

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organisation & Layout: 4/7

• Language: 3/7

C+

Overall score: (330)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

دقت در اطلاعات کیس‌نوت

• تاریخ ترک سیگار اشتباه نوشته شده — August 2016، نه 2019. توی آزمون واقعی این نوع خطا content score رو پایین می‌آره.

• تاریخ دقیق ترخیص (26/08/2019) و uneventful recovery نباید گم بشه.

• دوز داروها رو همونطور که توی نوت هست بنویس — Cartia 1mg توی نوت نیست.

گرامر و ساختار جملات

• ❌ has been underwent → ✅ has undergone

• ❌ he desire → ✅ he desires (سوم شخص مفرد s می‌خواد)

• ❌ has gain → ✅ has gained

• ❌ reduced → ✅ has reduced (وقتی تا الان ادامه داره، present perfect بزن)

• قبل از however در جملات مرکب ویرگول بذار

زبان کلینیکی و رجیستر

• ❌ fast and unhealthy foods → ✅ takeaway and frozen meals

• ❌ history of HTN which he takes → ✅ history of hypertension, managed with Atacand 4mg and Cartia daily

• ❌ education regarding dietary → ✅ dietary assessment and meal planning guidance

فرمت و لِی‌اوت نامه

• فرمت تاریخ تولد DD/MM/YYYY باید باشه: 24/09/1951

• Dear Ms June Stuart Dietitian → Dear Ms Stuart,

• Re line باید Mr و DOB بیمار رو داشته باشه

• امضا و عنوان شغلی زیر Yours sincerely لازمه

غلط‌های املایی

• ❌ attact → ✅ attack

• ❌ cholestrol → ✅ cholesterol

• ❌ brounches → ✅ brochures

• ❌ dose not → ✅ does not

 

 

@user-412066

[Siavash Zare]

 

خطاپیشنهادبازنویسیمحتوای اضافی

▇ Errors    ▇ Suggestions  ▇ Rephrased

Mrs Holly Kerr
3rd (شماره خیابان نه ordinal — بنویس: 3 Rose Avenue) Rose Avenue
Springbank
21 March 2022

• ❌ 3rd Rose Avenue → ✅ 3 Rose Avenue

• آدرس درسته، ولی شماره‌ی خیابون ordinal نمی‌خواد.

Dear Mrs kerr(Kerr),

• اسم مخاطب رو با حرف بزرگ بنویس.

I am writing to provide you with the information regarding your mother’s medication regimen and outline the potential adverse effects requering(requiring) medical attention.

• ❌ requering → ✅ requiring

• Purpose خوبه، ولی بهتر بود هدف نامه رو کمی بسط بدی — مثلاً اشاره‌ای به ترخیص و مراقبت در منزل.

On the day of admission, she was already on zantac(Zantac) (rainitidine(ranitidine)) 150mg twice a day to control the acid-reflux(acid reflux / GORD) and lipitor(Lipitor) (atrovastatin(atorvastatin)) 20mg on an empty stomach the(for) blood cholesterol. The ranitidine main(main) side effects are(include) headaches and stomach upset and those of atorvastatin include muscle pain and rash. Please inform your mother‘s GP(her GP) if occures(these occur).

• ❌ rainitidine → ✅ ranitidine

• ❌ atrovastatin → ✅ atorvastatin

• ❌ lipitor / zantac → ✅ Lipitor / Zantac (اسم تجاری با حرف بزرگ)

• ❌ the blood cholesterol → ✅ for blood cholesterol (یا: to manage her cholesterol)

• ❌ occures → ✅ these occur

• «atorvastatin is a muscle pain» — جمله ناقصه؛ بنویس: «atorvastatin may cause muscle pain»

• عوارض آتورواستاتین رو با رابوستاتین (rhabdomyolysis به‌صورت ساده) ذکر نکردی — حداقل «unusual muscle weakness» بیار.

The medications that she has been prescribed after surgery are(include) panadein fort(Panadeine Forte) (paracetamol +(&) codein(codeine)) 500mg every 4 hours to control the pain(for pain relief) and it might(which may) cause constipation and nausea and vomiting(, nausea and vomiting). To counteract(manage) the nausea and vomiting symptom, metoclopramid(Maxolon/metoclopramide) is prescribed every 2 hours(10mg three times daily as needed). Furthermore, dulorox(Durolax) 10mg once at night to prevent constipation(has been prescribed to prevent constipation). Penicillin 250 mg every 6 hours for 2 weeks to avoid the possible infection after the surgery(Penicillin 250mg four times daily for two weeks has been prescribed as a prophylactic antibiotic.) The penicillin might cause an allergy(an allergic) reaction such as rash and mild diarrho(oea). heparin(Heparin) 7500 unit(units) twice a day is commenced(has been prescribed) and should be continue(continued) until she is mobile. It prevent(prevents) blood clots due to immobilisation after the procedure.

• ❌ metoclopramid every 2 hours → ✅ metoclopramide 10mg three times daily as needed (دوز اشتباهه!)

• ❌ Penicillin every 6 hours → ✅ four times daily (دوز غلطه — باید four times daily باشه)

• ❌ dulorox → ✅ Durolax

• ❌ codein → ✅ codeine

• ❌ an allergy reaction → ✅ an allergic reaction

• ❌ should be continue → ✅ should be continued

• ❌ it prevent → ✅ it prevents

• ❌ is commenced → ✅ has been prescribed (رجیستر داروخانه‌ای)

• هپارین رو اول پاراگراف ببر — مهم‌ترین داروی جدیده و باید زودتر بیاد.

• عارضه‌ی خونریزی هپارین (bruising، bleeding) رو اصلاً ذکر نکردی — این مهم‌ترین چیزیه که دختر باید بدونه!

• CNS disturbance/impaired alertness برای codeine و metoclopramide نیومد — بیمار سالمنده، مهمه.

• «to avoid the possible infection» — پنی‌سیلین prophylaxis هست، نه درمان عفونت فعلی. کلمه‌ی «prophylactic» رو بیار.

It is important to monitor your mothers(mother’s) sing(signs) and symptoms and be allert(alert) about the above–mentioned side effects and seek medical advice if they happen(occur).

• ❌ sing → ✅ signs (typo مهم!)

• ❌ allert → ✅ alert

• ❌ if they happen → ✅ if they occur (رجیستر پزشکی)

• این closing paragraph خیلی کلیه — باید مشخص بگی «چه علائمی» نیاز به مراجعه دارند (bleeding، severe rash، confusion و…).

• نوبت ۲۲ آگوست برای برداشتن گچ رو اصلاً ذکر نکردی — باید می‌آمد.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you have any further queries.

Your(Yours) sincerely,
pharmmacist(Pharmacist — و نام/امضا هم باید بیاد)

• ❌ Your sincerely → ✅ Yours sincerely

• ❌ pharmmacist → ✅ Pharmacist (حرف بزرگ + یه «m» اضافه)

• بعد از «Yours sincerely» باید نام و سمت بیاد.

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 3/7

• Clarity & Conciseness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organisation & Layout: 3/7

• Language: 3/7

C

Overall score: (270)

پیشنهادات برای بهبود رایتینگ شما

دقت در دوز و نام داروها

• دوز metoclopramide رو اشتباه نوشتی (every 2 hours به‌جای 3 times daily) — قبل از نوشتن نامه دوزها رو چک کن.

• دوز پنی‌سیلین هم اشتباه بود (every 6 hours به‌جای four times daily) — دقت کن.

• اسامی تجاری داروها با حرف بزرگ نوشته می‌شن: Heparin، Lipitor، Zantac، Durolax.

محتوای ناقص (Content)

• مهم‌ترین عارضه‌ی هپارین (خونریزی، کبودی) اصلاً نیومد — این برای مراقب حیاتیه.

• اختلال هوشیاری (impaired alertness) برای codeine و metoclopramide نیومد — بیمار سالمنده، مهمه.

• نوبت ۲۲ آگوست (برداشتن گچ) رو فراموش کردی.

• closing paragraph باید مشخص بگه چه علائمی نیاز به مراجعه دارند، نه فقط «side effects» به‌صورت کلی.

گرامر و ساختار جملات

• ❌ should be continue → ✅ should be continued (modal + past participle)

• ❌ it prevent → ✅ it prevents (سوم شخص مفرد)

• ❌ Your sincerely → ✅ Yours sincerely

• ❌ an allergy reaction → ✅ an allergic reaction (صفت لازمه، نه اسم)

دقت در انتخاب کلمات و رجیستر

• ❌ is commenced → ✅ has been prescribed (لحن داروخانه‌ای مناسب‌تره)

• ❌ to control the pain → ✅ for pain relief (مختصرتر و رسمی‌تر)

• ❌ if they happen → ✅ if these occur (رجیستر پزشکی)

• کلمه‌ی «prophylactic» رو برای پنی‌سیلین بیار — فقط گفتن «to avoid infection» کافی نیست.

سازماندهی و ترتیب محتوا

• هپارین مهم‌ترین داروی جدیده — باید اول پاراگراف بیاد، نه آخر.

• داروهای قبل از بستری رو از داروهای جدید جدا کن — یا با پاراگراف جدا یا با عبارت مشخص.

• عوارض هر دارو بلافاصله بعد از معرفی اون دارو بیاد، نه جداگانه.

غلط‌های املایی و نگارشی

• ❌ rainitidine → ✅ ranitidine | ❌ atrovastatin → ✅ atorvastatin | ❌ pharmmacist → ✅ Pharmacist

• ❌ sing → ✅ signs | ❌ allert → ✅ alert | ❌ codein → ✅ codeine

• بعد از comma فاصله بذار — چند جا فراموش شده بود.

 

 

@user-311017

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Director of Nursing, 

Re: Maeve Greenson 

DOB : 09/10/1960 

I am writing to introduce Mrs. Maeve Greenson, a 59-year-old woman who was admitted to our hospital on 24/07/2019 following a fainting course (episode) at home and (was) diagnosed with Cancer of the lower intestine with spread metastasis (metastasis spread) in March 2019. She underwent a Laparotomy Partial bowel resection and colostomy. Mrs. Greenson was also under treated (treatment) with radiation therapy for 6 weeks in April 2019. Her prognosis was between 3-4 months.  

• بخشی که هایلایت شده مربوط به تشخیص سرطان بیمار 4 ماه قبل، ارتباطی با جملات قبل نداره و دلیل اصلی مراجعه صرفا faint بوده، و نباید در مقدمه آورده میشد. باید در ابتدای پاراگراف بعد میومد. همچنین دقت کنید ترکیب جملات مرکب و پیچیده باعث طولانی شدن بخش اول شده و خوانایی رو کم میکنه.

• Her prognosis was estimated to be three to four months. 

During her hospitalisation, her condition has worsened (worsened) with complaints of dehydration, nausea, severe pain, and depression. According  her admission (On admission" / "Upon admission), Iv (IV) fluids and (a) transdermal patch were (was) administered for her pain. She is now rejecting solids and only able to tolerate fluids. Her condition is very weak (She is very weak) and disorientated. Mrs. Greenson is also suffering from incontinence.  

• Condition نمی‌تواند weak باشد؛ این صفت برای بیمار به‌کار می‌رود، نه وضعیت. 

• مخفف باید با حروف بزرگ نوشته شود و fluids به صورت جمع استفاده شود. 

(A) Social worker advised that a decision was arranged to transfer (her) to your service centre. Her brother, Mr. Brian Hewson and (the) patient have made the decision that no further treatment is required only for pain.  (except pain management)

• Arrange a decision اصطلاح درستی نیست؛ تصمیم گرفته می‌شود (made)، نه arranged. و البته این تصمیم با مشورت با برادر بیمار و مددکار بیمار گرفته شده. در نمونه رایتینگ پایین صفحه جمله درست هایلایت شده.

Thank you for your cooperation and support to continue (in continuing) her care. If you required (require) any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.  

• 💡 بعد از support باید از in + -ing استفاده شود، نه to continue. 

Yours Sincerely, 

Registered Nurse 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 4/7

• Language 4/7

📌 تشخیص سرطان و سابقه درمان بهتر بود در پاراگراف دوم (History) آورده می‌شد، نه در مقدمه.

📌 برخی اطلاعات مهم مانند ادم اندام تحتانی، دریافت دوز بالای مسکن‌ها و انتقال با آمبولانس ذکر نشده‌اند.

📌 درخواست نهایی (Closing request) بهتر بود صریح‌تر بیان شود (مانند درخواست ارائه مراقبت‌های مداوم).

📌 ترتیب اطلاعات می‌توانست منطقی‌تر باشد؛ ابتدا معرفی و علت ارجاع، سپس سابقه بیماری، بعد وضعیت فعلی و در پایان برنامه مراقبتی و درخواست از گیرنده.

  C+ Overall score: (300)

 نمونه رایتینگ با نمره A

I am writing to introduce Ms. Maeve Greerson, a 59-year-old widow, who is a known case of end-stage lower intestine cancer. She was admitted to the Royal Spirit Hospital on 24 Jul 2019 due to a collapse at home and requires your ongoing care.

Initially, her cancer was diagnosed in March 2019, for which partial bowel resection and colostomy were performed, as well as 6 weeks of radiation therapy. During hospitalization, her condition deteriorated. She has been experiencing severe pain and edema in her ankles and lower legs, for which she has been receiving high doses of analgesic medications. Her tolerance for solid food has decreased, and currently, she is only able to consume liquids. Therefore, IV fluids were commenced. Her emotional status has decreased. (deteriorated)

Based on several discussions between her brother, Mr. Brian Hewson, and the social worker, there is an agreement to transfer her to your facility via an ambulance. Given her condition, her life expectancy is no more than 3-4 months, and her brother has declined any further treatment except for pain relief medications and maintaining her dignity.

I would appreciate it if you could provide ongoing care for her.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

@user-412066

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Starett,
Re: Mr Jeff Johns, DOB: 27 May 1943

✅ I am writing to refer Mr Jeff Johns, a 76-year-old man who was admitted with a cerebral infarction, for ongoing inpatient neurological rehabilitation following significant improvement during physiotherapy. 🌟 Nice🌟 

✅Mr Johns was first admitted on 12 August 2019 with left-sided hemiplegia, hemisensory loss and fatigue. A CT scan ruled out an intracranial haemorrhage. His medical history includes hypertension for 20 years and diabetes for 15 years. He received medical treatment with rt-PA, aspirin and insulin.

✅Physiotherapy initially consisted of regular and frequent turning, passive range-of-motion exercises and positioning. As his condition improved, active range-of-motion exercises, sitting balance training, breathing exercises and transfers to a chair were introduced. By 17 August, he was able to sit in a chair for 20 minutes and commenced mobilisation using a gutter frame.

✅On assessment today, his blood pressure was 145/85 mmHg and blood glucose level was 5.0 mmol/L. His shoulder, hip and knee range of motion remains (remained) unchanged; however, his left grip strength has improved from 20 kg to 23 kg, and he is now able to walk 50 metres with a gutter frame.

✅Mr Johns would benefit from your ongoing assessment and rehabilitation to maximise his mobility and functional independence before (being) discharged home.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further information.

Yours sincerely,

Shirley Ferguson

Physiotherapist

🌟Excellent🌟

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 7/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 7/7

• Language 6/7

  A Overall score: (470)

 

 

@user-900658

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear staff Director,

Re: Vamuya Obeki

DOB: 23/05/2014

 

✅ I am writing to request follow-up care for Mr. Vamuya Obeki, a 4-year-old boy who was admitted to the Children’s Emergency Department on 15/05/2018 due to (with) an acute meningoencephalitis as a result of a complication following Mumps. He is due to be discharged today.

• عنوان Mr برای کودک 4 ساله اشتباه نیست ولی غیر معموله.

• نام بیماری ها عموما غیر قابل شمارش هستند

• following complications of mumps 

 

✅ According to his medical history, his parents reported that (According to his parents,) both (of) their children had been administered some kind of vaccination at birth. However, the vaccination records have been lost. They also had no aware of the Mumps vaccine details (status). Vamuya apparently have (has) (now) completely recovered from Mumps and an acute meningoencephalitis.

 

• ❌ had been administered some kind of vaccination✅ had received vaccinations at birth

• ❌ They also had no aware ✅ They were also unaware 

• Also قبل از فعل اصلی و بعد از فعل کمکی میاد. 

 

✅(the) Patient lives with his parents and 2-year-old brother. These family are refugees (The family are refugees) and (who) arrived from Australia this year. They use Dinka and Arabic languages (They speak Dinka and Arabic) . Abdullah, his father, has been attending English class and he is able to understand spoken English, however, he has limited written skills.

 

✅It would be appreciated if you could arrange an interpreter and (a) neurological check-up for (the) patient (,) as well as an advice (and provide advice) on(the)  recommended vaccines for both children.

 

If you need any further information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

 

Yours Sincerely

Staff Nurse

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 3/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 3/7

  C+ Overall score: (340)

 

 

 

@user-412066

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear D. Rosenberg,

Re: Ms. Taylor Hawking, DOB: 24, Mar,1999

✅ I am writing to refer Ms. Hawking, a 20-year-old university student, (Unnecessary comma) who requires your assessment regarding her dental crowding.

✅ Ms. Hawking has been a patient at my clinic since 2016 and has received restorations and routine scaling and cleaning on a regular basis. In July.2017, the patient presented with an acute pericoronitis on tooth 38 (,) which was managed by an in-office hydrogen peroxide irrigation. She was also advised to take Erythromycin 250 mg 4 times daily and Metronidazole 200 mg 3 times daily, and (to) rinse with a Chlorhexidine mouthwash. On the 2-week and 1-year recall appointments, no signs and symptoms of inflammation were observed at the site of the wisdom tooth.

• ❌ July.2017 ✅ July 2017 

✅Today, she presented with a complaint of “an ugly smile”. On examination, there was a severe 9-mm crowding on the maxillary arch and a moderate 6-mm space deficiency on the lower dentition, associated with a rotation of teeth 13 and 23 and a 5-mm lower midlineshift to the left. The patient was referred to take an OPG.

• ✅ She presented with concerns regarding the appearance of her smile.

✅In terms of her medical history, she has asthma and allergy to penicillin and peanuts(,) for which she uses a Ventolin inhaler and carries an EpiPen. Your assessment and management regarding her condition would be greatly appreciated

Yours sincerely,

Dr. Setareh Salehi

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 6/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 6/7

⭐Well Done!⭐

  A Overall score: (450)

@Setisal

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr Robertson,

Re: Mr Anthony Stewart,45 years 

✅ I am writing to refer Mr Anthony Stewart for further assessment of recurrent right ankle pain despite completing a four-week physiotherapy program. 

✅ Mr Stewart first presented to our clinic on 17 November 2019 with swelling, bruising and a reduced range of motion following a right ankle sprain. Over four weeks of treatment, he made good progress and reported no new (further) complaints. Although he was provided with a home exercise program, including stretching, strengthening and balance exercises, he reported a recurrence of pain during physical activity when reviewed on 24 January 2020.

✅On examination today, mild intra-articular effusion was noted despite negative ligament laxity findings. CT imaging revealed no abnormalities. 

✅I would appreciate your further orthopaedic assessment to exclude an underlying fracture and determine appropriate management. (An MRI has also been requested to facilitate further investigation)

✅If you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me. 

Yours sincerely,

Physiotherapist

🌟Excellent🌟

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 6/7

• Genre & Style: 6/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 6/7

  B Overall score: (440)

@user-900658

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Nursing Director,  

Re : Bronwyn Green  

DOB : 15/03/1950

 

✅ I am writing to request ongoing care for Mrs. Green, a 69-year-old widow who  was admitted to the our rehabilitation ward due to (a) low grade adenocarcinoma  on 18/01/2019 and underwent a hemicolectomy on 20/01/2019.  

• The our ward: our ward / the ward (one determiner only)

• اینجا due to غلط نیست اما معمولا بعدش یک condition یا symptom میاد تا یک بیماری یا تشخیص قطعی. بهتره از with استفاده بشه: with a diagnosis of low-grade adenocarcinoma 

✅ Mrs. Green spent 5 days after surgery in the Intensive Care Unit and (was: passive) transferred  to the rehabilitation ward on 30/02/2019. During her hospitalization, she had  steady and stable progress. Her mobility has increased and she is able to walk  with (a) single–point stick under supervision. Her mood is stable(,) and her appetite  has improved(.) howeve(,) (she) still wears (a) pull–up pad due to occasional incontinence of  urine. Her surgical wound is healing well with minimal exudate.

✅ According  to (Regarding) her medical history, Mrs. Green suffering (suffers) from COPD (,)for which she takes Tiotrium, Fluticasone, and Salmetrol inhalers regularly. Also her  oxygen level is 91% stable so she will require monitoring. Her mood is now  stable however her anxiety requires monitoring (,)for which she takes Oxazepam  15mg and Citaloperam 10 mg as prescribed. 

• ایرادی که به پاراگراف بالا وارد هست اینه که شما با زمینه قبلی پزشکی بیمار شروع کردید و سپس در خط دوم also (همچنین)… که انتظار میره ادامه medical history باشه ولی در واقع requestها و درخواست مراقبت های بعدی رو مطرح کردید. در چنین مواقعی که فقط یک مورد و کوتاه است میتونید خیلی ساید به پایام پاراگراف اضافه کنید که:

• Please note that she suffers from COPD, for which she takes …

Mrs. Green’s discharge plan will be on 11/02/2019 and her sister will escort to home  (escort her home) by taxi. Patient is happy to take (her) own medication at home. The wound  dressing change is required every 3 days for abdominal wound. The  Organisation Transport (occupational therapy!) reports (reported) that home modifications have been completed  with toilet and bathroom rails installed.

• Mrs. Green is scheduled for discharge on 11/02/2019/ He is due to be discharged tomorrow

For further information please do not hesitate to contact me.  

Yours Sincerely,  

Staff Nurse

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 3/7

  B Overall score: (350)

@user-412066

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Ms Sarah Day (aged 21) 

Dear Dr Edward, 

I am writing to request your further management and evaluation of Ms Day whose features are consistent with persistent headaches.  (⅔)

• معمولاً بعد از  features are consistent with انتظار داریم یک disease / diagnosis / condition  بیاد نه یک symptom ساده. بنابراین بهتره به این شکل بازنویسی بشه: who is experiencing persistent headaches یا who presents with persistent headaches

• همچنین یک نکته مهم در مورد این بیمار اینه که علایم بیمار بعد از یک تصادف رانندگی و whiplash injury شروع شده که هرچند در آخر قید شده بهتره به خاطر اهمیت زیاد در مقدمه قید میشد، همچنین مشکل اصلی بیمار بیش از سردرد هست و علایم نورولوژیک دیگه هم داره پس یک مقدمه خوب میشه:

• I am writing to request your further evaluation and management of Ms. Day, who has been experiencing persistent headaches and other neurological symptoms following a car accident resulting in a whiplash injury. (3/3)

Initially, on 06/12/2018, Ms Day presented with severe prolonged courses of headaches associated with dizziness, nausea, visual disturbance and anxiety. With (اضافی) considering her normal examination, she was educated (advised) on relaxation (techniques), sleep hygiene and dietary modification. She was also commenced on metoclopramide and paracetamol.

On 04/01/2019, Ms Day returned with (اضافی) complaining  of worsening (of) (her) previous symptoms and one episode of vomiting, along with neck pain radiation (radiating neck pain). Therefore, eletriptan and ibuprofen were prescribed. On her next visit On 31/01/2019, She reported an additional symptoms of depression. Consequently, amitriptyline was ordered.

Today. Ms Day attended with her unremitting (persistent) symptoms. She also noted (reported) experiencing numbness and tingling sensation on her left fingers (4th and 5th). Given her progressive condition and ineffectiveness of her previous medications, I planned to refer her.

Regarding her medical and social history, she is a smoker and drinks occasionally. She also has (has also) been taking (an) oral contraceptive pill since 2013 and has a history of whiplash injury. (when?)

I would appreciate your further treatment and assessment of Ms Day. Should you require more information, please feel free to contact me.

Yours sincerely,

Doctor

 

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (350)

@9360045003

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Ms Stuart,

Re: Mr Alex Roden, DOB: 24/09/1951

✅I am writing to request a dietary assessment and appropriate management advice for Mr Alex Roden, a 68-year-old widower, who is recovering from triple bypass heart surgery.

Mr Roden was admitted in (to) Spirit Hospital  following a (an) angina attack on 17/08/2019. He consequently underwent Triple bypass heart surgery on 18/08/2019 and was discharged after an uneventful recovery on 26/08/2019. After discharge, her (his) diet plan includes (a) low-calorie, high-protein, low cholesterol and gluten free diet. He has been advised to increase fluid intake by (a) community nurse(??), as well. However, he does not know (he is unsure) how to follow this plan.

As his past history, although his BMI is 33, he is not doing any exercise. He was previously a regular smoker and heavy drinker but quit smoking in 2016 and has reduced his alcohol consumption.

•  “As his past history,” → Incorrect phrase → ✅ “Regarding his past medical history,”

• “although” is misused (no real contrast)

Mr Roden has continued (to follow) an unhealthy diet since his wife died. Your assistance is required to support him in implementing an appropriate dietary plan and monitoring his adherence. It would be appreciated if you give him a copy of the Heart Foundation’s Health Eating brochures, and write a referral letter to a dietitian to assist him in this way.

Please do not hesitate to contact me should you require any further information.

Yours sincerely,

Alice Raymond

Rural Community Health Nurs

• این نامه در واقع نامه ارجاع به متخصص تغذیه هست، و تسک شما این هست. شما اینجا به اشتباه به عنوان درخواست مطرحش کردید

• همچنین بروشور رو شما به بیمار داید و مجدد به اشتباه به عنوان درخواست مطرح شده.

• چند مورد مثل: افزایش وزن بیمار (5 کیلو)، اینکه بیمار خودش مشتاق به رژیم تغذیه هست، و اینکه الان قوت قالبش غذای آماده و یخزده و غیره هست… در رایتینگ ذکر نشده.

• از لحاظ زبانی مشکلی وجود ندارد و بیشتر باید روی محتوا، هدف نوشتن نامه و … تمرکز کنید. نمره این رایتینگ به همین دلیل کم شده

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 4/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 5/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 5/7

  C+ Overall score: (300)

@Khadi

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Re: Ms Anna Hall (45 years old) 

Dear Dr Roberts,

I am writing to request your further evaluation and definitive diagnosis of Ms Anna Hall whose features are consistent with a possible gastro oesophageal–reflux(GERD) and (a) subsequent stricture. 

Regarding her social and family history, she is an ex-smoker, overweight, long with coffee and alcohol drinker whose (,and her) father has a history of (a) peptic ulcer. On medical history (,) she had a history of dyspepsia in 2012 and takes infrequent aspirin (2-3 times/month). 

• she is an ex-smoker, overweight, long with coffee and alcohol drinker → ✅she is an ex-smoker and overweight, along with being a long-term coffee and alcohol consumer

• On medical history→ ✅in her medical history, in term of her medical history,…

• she had a history of dyspepsia in 2012 → ✅she was diagnosed with dyspepsia in 2012 / she has a history of dyspepsia (2012)

• در کل این پاراگراف دقیق نیست: بیمار 15 سال پیش سیگار رو ترک کرده، مصرف الکل فقط سوشال هست، و اخیرا مصرف قهوه رو زیاد کرده. این اطلاعات خیلی بهتر میتونست به شکل زیر بیاد:

• She quit smoking 15 years ago, consumes alcohol socially, and has recently increased her coffee intake.

On 18 June 2018, Miss (Ms: “keep titles consistent”) Hall presented with solid dysphagia following an upper respiratory tract infection(URTI) two months ago (earlier)(,) for which she took (takes) over the counter (OTC) product. She also reported experiencing 1-2 kg of weight loss and epigastric pain(,) which radiated to her back on (at) the level of T12. According to my preliminary diagnosis of GERD with considering recently increased coffee consumption she was advised to stop taking (the) OTC product and reduce alcohol and coffee consumption(,) and she was (also) commenced on pantoprazole. 

• over-the-counter Chinese herbal product with unknown ingredients

• ✅Reported weight loss and epigastric pain

I would appreciate it if you could assess Ms Hall further including endoscopy if indicated and provide your expert diagnosis. 

Yours sincerely,

Doctor

• پاراگراف سوم نسبت به دوم اولویت دارد، در مقدمه اشاره شده بیمار رو ارجاع دادید به خاطر GERD و در پاراگراف بعد بهتره بپردازید به این مشکل، هیستوری بیمار اهمیت پایین تری دارد.

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7 

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: ( “just” 350)

@9360045003

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr.Yabe

Re: Sally Webster, DOB: 10/Nov/2003

✅I am writing to refer Ms. Wester(,) a 17-year-old patient with a possible diagnosis of Anorexia nervosa(,) for further assessment. She is a high school student, plays violin for fun and she has a part time job as a ship assistant.

• بخش هایلایت شده قابل حذف است.

✅She first presented to me on (in) Dec (December) 2019 at my clinic with no past history of psychiatric disease (,)due to her constipation and bowel action every 4 to 5 days(,) which (for which) she tried laxatives for that. She has 54kg weight. She was advised to increase vegetable, fibers and fluid intake.

• no past history of psychiatric disease
  Cause–effect confused: این عبارت نباید وسط جمله میومد، بیمار مراجعه کرد + با این مشکل + این دارو. چون خواننده وسط جمله گیج میشه. بهتره اخر پاراگراف میومد یا کلا حذف بشه.

• She first presented to the clinic in December 2019 with a complaint of constipation and bowel actions occurring every 4 to 5 days, for which she had tried laxatives

• ❌ “She has 54kg weight.” → ✅ “She weighed 54 kg.”

 

✅After 2 months(,) she returned with her mother(,) who was concerned about her lack of appetite and weight loss. They had an argument about her eating habits, however she believed she feels well and there is nothing to worry about. She did not had (have) a good appetite. On examination she had (a) 6kg weight loss(48kg), she looked pale and thin. I performed (ordered) a blood test and urine analysis to investigate any possible underlying illness.

✅Today(,) she re-presented to me (the clinic) and she believes that she needs to loose another 7kg of her weight. She has (had: past) no eye contact (and) her emotions are (were) blunt. She denies vomiting and her claim about using laxatives is not reliable. All of (the) laboratory tests are in normal range. 

• اول پاراگراف ها بعد از timemaker ها باید کاما بیاد.

• are in normal range → ✅ “All laboratory tests are within the normal range.”

• در گزارش ویزیت امروز, همچنان از زمان گذشته استفاده کنید. بیمار ارتباط چشمی نداشت امروز و احساساتش رو بروز نمیداد.

I would appreciate your further assessment of this patient. Should you require more information, (please) do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely, Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

Word Count: 210

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7 

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 5/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (380)

@user-309455

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear parent

✅I am writing to provide you with information regarding an outbreak of head lice at (the) school. Head lice are a common condition among children in school and it’s (are not) not related to poor hygiene.

In terms of treatment, you should apply a large (generous) amount of hair conditioner and leave for 20 minutes. Wet comb hair with fine-toothed comb should be used(X) to divide (the) hair into 3 or(to) 4cm sections. You can wipe (the) comb with (a) paper towel and repeat it for twice (repeat twice). Wet combing method should be used for 10 to 14 days.

• A fine-toothed comb should be used to wet-comb the hair

✅There are some products (treatments) such as Maldison, Permethrin and Pyrethrins to treat head lice. These treatments should be used based on (according to)(the) instructions and repeated after 7 to 10 days. (the) Wet comb (wet-combing) method should be used weekly for several weeks after cure to prevent recurrence.

✅Please wash your hands after lice treatment and wash pillow cases, combs and brushes in hot soapy water. You should also treat (your) family if you observe any live lice. You should avoid using blow-dry hair (using a hair dryer) as it may spread lice.

• Blow-dry hair : V+Noun

✅I hope this information helps you to prevent disease and (to) inform school about this disease. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have further questions.

Yours faithfully,
Pharmacist

(Persistent head lice/ if treatment fails? / visit a doctor)

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 4/7 Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@2480011763

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Dr.Philip Wright

Re: Ms.Marcus, DOB: 15/01/1983

✅I am writing to refer Ms.Marcus, a 36-year-old single mother with a 7-year-old child and positive (a) family history of cancer in her father (colon cancer, aged 72). She has a multi-nodular goiter with the possibility of thyroid malignancy (possible thyroid malignancy), (.) therefore(,) your surgical assessment would be appreciated.

• 7-year-old child → irrelevant

✅Initially she presented on 06/Jul/2019, complaining of a neck swelling(,) which she noticed two months earlier. On examination(,) there was an anterior neck swelling measuring 2.2 cm(,) which was non-tender and moves with deglutition(,) without any palpable lymphadenopathy. An ultrasonography of (the) neck and TFTs were requested to assess her thyroid.

• Correct date format: 06/07/2019,

✅Two weeks later she came in (attended/returned) for her test results follow-up. The TFTs were normal,(; or .) however (,) the ultrasonography reported (revealed/showed) multiple nodules and bilateral thyroid calcification. She was advised to (to have/ to undergo) (a) surgical review for possible thyroid malignancy, but she declined any surgical intervention.

• Came in: a bit informal

✅Today she re-presented with an increased size of swelling. (,) Difficult swallowing (swallowing difficulty) for the last 3 weeks and hoarseness of voice since last week has been developed. On examination(,) (the)thyroid size has been increased (was increased: passive) significantly. Thyroid is firm with limited mobility and there are palpable enlarged lymph nodes on the right side of (the) neck.

• an increased size of swelling: وقتی an به کار میره پس باید بعدش اسم بیاد یعنی: an increase in the size of swelling

• She has now agreed to undergo surgical intervention

I appreciate your further assessment on (of) this patient. Should you need (require) more information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Yours sincerely

Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

 

• Purpose: 3/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 4/7

• Genre & Style: 5/7

• Organization and layout 6/7

• Language 4/7

  B Overall score: (370)

@user-309455

[Siavash Zare]

▇ Errors     ▇ Suggestions   ▇ Rephrased

Dear Endocrine Surgeon

Re: Ms.Marcus, DOB: 15/01/1983

I am writing to refer Ms. Marcus(,) a 43-year-old woman with M(m)ulti-modular goiter for examination of possible thyroid malignancy and surgical consideration.

• → ✅ “and consideration of surgical management.”

She is a single woman with a 7-year-old child with a positive family history of malignancy. (Colon cancer in her mother aged 72). On 5/Jul/2019(,) she presented to me at my general practice with the (a) complain (complaint) of neck swelling since 2 months earlier. On examination(,) there was an anterior neck swelling with the size of 2.2 Cm. It was not tender (non-tender) in (on) palpation (and) was moveable (with) deglutition and no lymph nodes detected at that time. (paragraph break) 2 weeks later I requested a neck ultrasonography and thyroid function test(TFTs) with possible diagnosis of thyroid nodule to assessment of (to assess the) patient(‘s) condition. TFTs were normal and ultrasonography showed multiple nodules and the evidence of (with) bilateral calcification in her thyroid lobes. She was advised for surgical consul(?) for possible thyroid malignancy based on the diagnosis of Multi-nodular goiter, but she denied further follow-up. (she declined surgical intervention, not follow-up)

• جمله اول بهتر بود در مقدمه بیاد چون با ادامه پاراگراف ارتباطی نداره.

• عبارتهای هایلایت شده اضافی هستند.

• ❌ “ the complain” → ✅ “a complaint”

• چون شکایت بیمار شناسه نیست حرف اضافه باید a باشد. همچنین complain فعل است.

• ❌ “since 2 months earlier” → ✅“for the previous two months”

• ❌ “with the size of 2.2 Cm.”→ ✅““measuring 2.2 cm.”

• در جمله two weeks later… شما نوشتید که درخواست آزمایش دادید. در صورتی که آزمایشات در ویزیت اول بیمار انجام شده بود و بعد دو هفته که بیمار مجدد رجوع کرد نتایج آماده بود.

Eventually(,) she presented today with an increased (an increase in the) size of the swelling since last month (over the last month). Furthermore she got (had) difficulties swallowing and voice hoarseness for 3 weeks and 1 week respectively . She has enlarged thyroid in correlation with her first exam, her thyroid mass is firm with limited mobility and there are palpable and enlarged lymph nodes on right side of her neck. (اینها باید در پاراگراف ها همزمان با شرح ویزیت های بیمار میومد)

Rephrased: (linguistic only)
She developed dysphagia for three weeks and hoarseness of voice for one week. Compared to her initial examination, she has an enlarged thyroid. The thyroid mass is firm with limited mobility, and palpable, enlarged lymph nodes are present on the right side of her neck.

I would appreciate for your further assessment on this patient.

Should you need more information about this patient (please) do not hesitate to contact me

Yours sincerely

Dr.Ehsan Sobhanian

• Purpose: 2/3

• Content: 5/7

• Clarity & consciousness: 3/7

• Genre & Style: 4/7

• Organization and layout 3/7

• Language 3/7

  C Overall score: (280)

1️⃣ اول فکر کن، بعد بنویس (Planning قبل از Writing)

❗ بزرگ‌ترین مشکل تو اینه که همه اطلاعات رو پشت‌سرهم می‌ریزی بدون اینکه مشخص باشه:

• کدوم مربوط به ویزیت اول است؟

• کدوم مربوط به follow-up؟

• کدوم symptom جدید است؟

✔️ تمرین پیشنهادی:

قبل از نوشتن، فقط 10 دقیقه فکر کن به تسک و برنامه زیری کن بعد:

• 3 تا bullet بنویس:

• Visit 1 → symptoms + exam

• Visit 2 → investigations + decision

• Current visit → progression + red flags

✳️ بعد نامه را دقیقاً طبق همین ترتیب بنویس و مجدد برام ارسال کن.

2️⃣ هر پاراگراف = یک بازه زمانی (Timeline discipline)

تو مدام این اشتباه را تکرار می‌کنی:

• علائم جدید را می‌بری داخل پاراگراف ویزیت قدیمی

• یافته‌های معاینه را جدا از زمانش می‌نویسی

✔️ قانون طلایی:

هر پاراگراف فقط یک ویزیت

اگر ویزیت جدید است:

Eventually / On her most recent visit / She re-presented today

علائم + معاینه همان روز

3️⃣ از عبارت‌های ترجمه‌ای فارسی استفاده نکن

این‌ها نمونه‌هایی از تفکر فارسی در متن تو هستند:

• ❌ got difficulties

• ❌ in correlation with

• ❌ with the size of

• ❌ denied follow-up

✔️ جایگزین‌های استاندارد OET:

• developed dysphagia

• compared to her previous examination

• measuring …

• declined surgical intervention

📌 این‌ها را باید حفظ کنی، نه اختراع!

📌 جملات اصطلاحا wordy هستند یعنی کلمات اضافه داخل جملات هست که چیزی اضافه نمیکنن مثل:

She was advised for surgical consultation for possible thyroid malignancy based on the diagnosis of Multi-nodular goiter

4️⃣ روی Collocationهای پزشکی تمرکز کن (نه گرامر عمومی)

مشکل تو بیشتر از grammar، medical collocation است.

• complaint ❌ complain

• non-tender ❌ not tender

• measuring 2.2 cm ❌ with the size of

• hoarseness of voice ❌ voice hoarseness

✔️ تمرین پیشنهادی:

• یک دفترچه داشته باش

• Heading: Medical Collocations

• هر رایتینگ → 10 collocation جدید اضافه کن

• هفته‌ای 2 بار فقط آن‌ها را مرور کن

5️⃣ جملات بلند = نمره کمتر

تو جملات را بیش از حد کش می‌دهی:

چند ایده + چند زمان + چند یافته = یک جمله

این مستقیماً نمره Clarity & Organization را پایین می‌آورد.

✔️ قانون ساده:

• اگر جمله‌ات بیشتر از 25 کلمه شد → بشکنش

• اگر 2 ویرگول داشت → بشکنش

6️⃣ Phraseهای آماده OET را حفظ کن

به‌جای ساختن جمله، از قالب‌های امن استفاده کن:

🔹 Introduction

• I am writing to refer …

• I am seeking your assessment regarding …

🔹 History

• She initially presented with …

• Two weeks later, she re-presented …

🔹 Closing

• I would appreciate your assessment and advice regarding …

• Should you require further information …

📌 این‌ها band-safe هستند.

7️⃣ بازنویسی فعال (Active Rewriting) انجام بده

فقط دیدن اصلاحات کافی نیست.

✔️ تمرین طلایی:

• نسخه اصلاح‌شده را بخوان  و همچنین رایتینگ های دیگر زبان آموزان مربوط به این رایتیگ در لینک زیر گذاشتم. بخون و ایرادات رو ببین و مقایسه کن 👍

https://oetbook.online/?s=Marcus&bp_search=1&view=content

لطفا این رایتینگ رو دوباره بنویسید و ارسال کنید😊

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